I got a fortune cookie from god
kwilliamsanimation:

toonsketchbook:

Some quick notes for all you artists out there on my methodology for painting pretty girls. I get asked this a lot…..


I followed the instructions!!! Why didn’t it turn out well?! *sobs* I’ll never work at Pixar now!
Whose meladoodle?
Anonymous

officialunitedstates:

it’s no ones meladoodle.  she is independent

Wait why do you tag some posts #100k when they don't have nearly 100k notes?
Anonymous

officialunitedstates:

Your rules don’t apply to me.  They are tagged 100k because I chose to tag them 100k.  I am the master of my own destiny.  I am the sole caretaker of my fortune.

officialunitedstates:

can you keep down the racket?  some of us don’t want to play tennis

officialunitedstates:

"WE’RE NEVER BRAINSTORMING AGAIN" I yell through the mass of falling cerebrums and cerebellums

officialunitedstates:

spaghetti-is-my-hair:

officialunitedstates:

you wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of a fire truck racing down your street.  the siren grows louder and louder until the truck arrives at your house.  “but…. but my house isn’t on fire” you think to yourself.  you rush to your window only to see something… not human exit from the fire truck.  it’s smokey the bear and he’s back for revenge.  he knows you failed to properly put out that campfire last summer when you went camping with your friends.  he knows
your face soon turns pale as you witness smokey adjust his cap and wipe the sweat from his brow.  as you peer through the frosty window, he walks on over to the other side of his truck.  you duck down, taking the opportunity to frantically look for a weapon.  but it’s no use, smokey reappears and seems to look straight at you, his eyes stern and unforgiving.  determined, he slowly approaches your front lawn, hose in hand.  “ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES” he bellows.  the ground begins to shake.  a slight chill runs over your shoulders as you realize you are still in your pajamas, alone at your window.  “SMOKEY IM SORRY IM SO SORRY SMOKEY” you yell at the top of your lungs as smokey carefully coats your mailbox in flames.
you wake up.  “phew.. it was all just some sort of crazy dream” you say to yourself as you get a bowl of cereal.  you go outside to pick up the paper from your front porch when you notice something a little strange about your mailbox at the end of your driveway.  you drop your paper and frantically rush through the slick grass to your mailbox. CAN IT BE?  you collapse into the morning dew in shock as you see it is completely charred.  you begin to shake in terror as the realization sweeps over you.  finally, you gather enough strength to pick yourself off of the ground.  wait… has your shadow always been that big?  you feel a large furry paw on the back of your shoulder….

i was eating a popsicle when i was was reading this and when i saw the “smokey the bear” part i choked on part of it and it slipped down and got lodged in my throat and i seriously just spent two minutes trying to get it out before it melted and slipped down because of this post

smokey strikes again

officialunitedstates:

should you be afraid of smokey the bear?  absolutely.  should you be afraid of smokey the bear?  absolutely.  I said it twice because it is important

As you walk down a moonlit street late at night, you hear screaming "Officialunitedstates help me!" A woman's purse was just stolen and you can see the thief making their escape. What do you do?
Anonymous

officialunitedstates:

Some things to point out first:

  1. There is no such thing as moonlight.  What you are referring to is refracted sunlight
  2. I would never walk.  Walking is for the lazy.  I briskly jog or run.  Always
  3. I would never briskly jog or run at night.  Night is for sleeping and blogging and should not be wasted exercising
  4. How did the screaming voice recognize me, especially with only refracted sunlight to aid their eyes
  5. How do I know it was a purse and not a handbag?  There are only four slight differences between the two
  6. How do I know the thief is really a thief and not a counter-thief who only robs thieves
  7. If you are telling me this you are either officialunitedstates, the thief, the woman, the voice, or another bystander.  If you are officialunitedstates why am I talking to myself.  If you are the thief why are you bringing attention to yourself.  If you are the woman why are you referring to yourself in third person.  If you are the voice that screamed then why did you not go after the thief yourself.  If you are a bystander what are you doing on a sunlit street late at night.  Therefore, you are none of these things and this ask was never sent to my inbox.  The scenario never happened and if it did then please read bullet points 1-7 again.

officialunitedstates:

insenial:

officialunitedstates:

it’s quick, it’s easy and it’s free:  pouring river water in your socks

why would i do that lmao

it’s quick, it’s easy and it’s free